It is better to be an outcast, a stranger in one’s own country, than an outcast from one’s self. It is better to see what is about to befall us and to resist than to retreat into the fantasies embraced by a nation of the blind.
Chris Hedges

Friday, March 21, 2008

Owning My Part

I did not think my post "Chickens Coming Home to Roast" cast anything disparaging towards my wife. The truth is none of my recovery would have been possible without her. She travelled upwards of 11 hours a day-sometimes twice a week - to support me in group, or just to visit. Ana also made sure the bills were paid and that there was enough left over to keep me in smokes.
In recovery, I know there will be bad days... and maybe even bad years. Today I don't have to turn my anger into a resentment and get hammered. My wife is human - subject to tiredness, dissapointment and anger just like the rest of us. We will survive this. I'm frustrated because of my inability to do anything today to fix the problem. My own part is that defect in my character that blames others. I love my wife and trust God she knows that.


justajourneyman said...

First off Canuck let me explain. My post was actually a satirical piss-take of what seemed to be a poorpoorpitifulme blog by you. I've read enough of both your and your wife's blogs to understand that you and she are as te nana-williams whanau describes. And your last post certainly affirms your wife's character. But I challenge your assertion that you didn't disparage her. E.g. She "squiggled" beside you and "was getting ready to vomit."? She took "the opportunity to reclaim resentments."? These are less than complimentary terms. And BTW, from what I've read of you up to now, I doubt it is a same sex relationship that's been resurrected - ergo the logical assumtion is it's with ... ? As an addict with longtime recovery under my belt I know some of the impulses and struggles that arise in early sobriety out in the real world. It's OK. As you already know, these things come and go. You're coming through this little glitch relatively well. You haven't taken a drink and you've owned your part. But I think you need to do more than trust God that your wife knows you love her. Otherwise the damage is indeed done. To te nana williams whanau - apologies for my too subtle satire that obviously escaped you as well. Peace. We're on the same side.

dugger said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
dugger said...

Point taken compadre... and thanks.