It is better to be an outcast, a stranger in one’s own country, than an outcast from one’s self. It is better to see what is about to befall us and to resist than to retreat into the fantasies embraced by a nation of the blind.
Chris Hedges

Thursday, May 29, 2008


After 16 years of absence I tracked down my ex-wife, Helen. My daughter, Audrey, answered the phone. I didn't say anything to her but it was her. Helen was cool, as she always was, and told me Audrey was fine... and what did I want? Good question.
Since everything is about me, I figured Audrey lay awake nights wondering who her father was. What crap. I'm sure it passed through her mind from time to time, but knowing my wife's family she was probably assured I wasn't worth the bother. And they were right to do so.
Looking back over my old blogs was painful. The typos, written when I was full of drink and self-pity; the senseless meanderings, presented as some sort of bohemian genius. I was tempted to obliterate the lot and start over, but I didn't. Because looking through that stuff reminded me what had happened and where I am now.
Thanks be to God I am sober today and have been for some 7 months. The past cannot be deleted as easily as text on a page. Better to trust in the human heart and the capacity within each of us to see the soul, not the wrapper. My phone call to Helen must have put her world in turmoil too. After all, she had the task of raising Audrey and given the results would be reluctant to place our treasure in any kind of jeopardy. I understand and approve. Just for today I am glad to have given her my contact information. In time, we may begin a dialogue. Just for today I am happy my daughter is loved and well.

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