It is better to be an outcast, a stranger in one’s own country, than an outcast from one’s self. It is better to see what is about to befall us and to resist than to retreat into the fantasies embraced by a nation of the blind.
Chris Hedges

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Quiet Healing

I came home tonight after attending a group session with other people travelling the path I am on. I am struck by the similarity between our experiences and struggles. Mine continue, as do theirs. What binds us together is honesty and understanding. I have established a routine for my day centred around study, exercise and meditation. Mind you, it has only been the first day so don't hold your breath.
Day by day is the only thing I can hold on to. I am on the waiting list to get into detox and rehab for my various addictions, and as a coward who avoids pain at any expense I am trying to cut down on the substances that cloud my decision-making and ability to be a useful person. Cold turkey is only good in a sandwich. I try to avoid people these days, but temper this isolation with attendance at various 'safe' meetings. One of the first real epiphany's for me has been the lack of relationship with God. I thought I was on safe ground there because I go to church very regularly, unfortunately the tone of discussions within his house are people oriented ideas about right and wrong. I know these things to be true, but being reminded how sinful I am leaves me feeling worse than when I walked through the door. I need to investigate my relationship with God on a personal level and in the meantime clear out the debris of my past. Only then will I be able to become the person I hope to be.

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